It’s 4 am while my hands shakingly kiss the keys of my laptop. By the time I post it, it maybe 5 or 6 or who knows if I shall ever post it. Eyes are blurred. Body is sweating. Legs have given away their strength. And mind is nostalgic. Nostalgic… Nostalgic… Ummm… Nostalgic. Somebody please tell me why am I repeating this word ‘nostalgic’. I have no answers right now. I am writing this post to kill boredom, frustration or maybe to kill the inner demon of guilt and regret that has been breeding inside me like a leech. I realised one particular thing. Most of the people fall ill due to depression. But the root of all evils i.e. depression is regret and guilt. Let me get you across various reasons that breeds regret and guilt.
- Regret for failing in exams.
- Regret for a broken relationship.
- Regret for mulling over past.
- Regret for not stand up for something or someone during testing times.
- Regret for things happening in the surroundings.
Same applies for the reasons of guilt.
- Guilt for wasting time rather than studying for exams.
- Guilt for not trying to mend a broken relationship.
- Guilt for misdeeds done in the past.
- Guilt for acting like a coward when somebody need you the most.
- Guilt for not taking actions against anti-social or anti-peace work in the surroundings.
All we want to do is blame either ourselves or others. But we don’t want to just get over it. I mean why the ‘fuck’ should we be doing it, right? He’ll do it. She’ll do it. But nobody says I’ll do it. A few days I can across an sms.
“Japanese proverb: If I can do it… You can do it.
Indian version: If I can do it… Let him do it. If no one can do it… Leave it!”
What makes me write in the middle of the night is the resentment that I have been experiencing. Sheer bitterness. Maybe for some of the above stated reasons or maybe for most of the above stated reasons. I want to tell you something. This mind is the biggest bastard that I have ever come across. Like I posted in my previous post “Rendezvous”, it makes you remember those things that you wish to forget. And that’s how it gives birth to guilt and regret. I wonder how beautiful life would have been if these two villains were never born! I want to share an experience right now. While being asleep I faced my created characters Roy and Aditya. Let me put them as my alter egos. Sounds funny though. Roy is full of sarcasm, stone-hearted, a loser kind of a guy and Aditya is like any irresponsible person with a who-cares attitude. Being the creator of these two characters I can spot the differences (and hopefully you too could spot after reading ‘Complications Simplified’ and ‘The Pink Slip’) in their lifestyles and attitudes. But there are two similarities between them. Guilt and Regret.
As usual, there was a tug of war between them where I was the prized possession they were waiting to claim. And the war of words acted like a rope. There have been so many arguments which I don’t wish to emphasize. But at the end of the dream, it got me thinking… Is this really me? Man is the architect of his own fate. Is this what I created for myself? There’s a certain amount of nostalgia breeding within us when we come across the moments of past. But do they really matter now? Why do we want to go back to those sad moments? I know most of us will read it like any other boring thesis by a pyschology lover. But think about it. I fancy a debate over this topic. Are you ready for it?
That’s it for now. A small post but with a deep thinking. Ciao!